I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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