piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
