I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
