rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
