Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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