Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
The Olympian is in my bed
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
