i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
