is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
