all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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