She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
