I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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