I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
