Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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