woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
