see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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