I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
