I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
