Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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