Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
smell my finger.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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