im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
