I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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