so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
