i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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