there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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