Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
