stop calling my apartment porn island.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
