oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
