I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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