oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
