I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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