those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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