I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
