new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
