i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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