96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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