Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
