saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
