you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize