$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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