I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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