when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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