have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
