You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
