If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
