I wish I only lived at night.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Acid is not a monday night drug
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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