so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
