my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
