highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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