first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
