You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
