There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
In America we eat man semen.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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