come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
