she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
