Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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