Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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