i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
