My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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