That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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