I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
pop tarts are not kleenex
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
