I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
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