Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize