We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
