what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
