Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
