Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Randomize
